Monday, August 31, 2009

Stacy's Song

Annnnnnnd I'm back. It's only been what...5...6 months since I last posted? I think that's about par for the course (that's a golf term...i do golf now). Ok...I have this friend that I've known since elementary school, she's basically a lifer...(Lifer...ligh-fer: It's a noun.) You know...a friend for life type of gal. So..this friend...let's call her Stacy...because that's her name...happens to be one of the greatest sources of my entertainment...EVER...and I don't mean that in a dirty way. I'll be writing more about Stacy in the future...but let me get to where I'm going with this.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in yet another conference listening intently to the various ways in which we as Americans/lawyers/grown-ups/DHS workers/people/animal lovers/health care workers/etc/ASAP/MYOB/BYOB/did i mention animal lovers/everyone else, can make the world a better place.... when I received a tweet (just google it, it's kind of like a text message) from Stacy about Twilight. Yes. Twilight. The Twilight. The teenage sparkly Mormon vampire Twilight. I like it. Stacy likes it. We're 29 (NOT 30!) years old. We're ok with it. You be ok with it. I jokingly respond to Stacy asking if she could please transcribe the first Twilight novel via Twitter so that I could read it and not have to listen to anymore world improving stuff... (By the way...if you're not familiar with the series, you will probably find zero humor in the rest of the post, so just do me a favor and stop reading now.)

Ok...I think here is where I have to explain what Twitter is (even though you really should have googled it by now). So Twitter is kind of a combination of text messaging and social networking. Basically you can post status updates (i.e. tell people what you're doing) via your cell or computer and those updates are sent out to the cell phones or computers of whomever is following you on twitter. These updates are called "Tweets." The catch is that you can only use 140 characters at a time.

wow...this post is becoming a major beating...just hang with me...the payoff is worth it, I swear...

Ok...So I asked Stacy to transcribe Twilight via Twitter...ha ha ha...look at me, I'm being a smartass and not paying attention in my conference...AND THAT IS HOW IT STARTED...

Ladies and Gentlemen....may I present to you in 140 character increments:

"Twitter Twilight"
By Stacy...An Admitted Fangirl

Chapter One. Hi, my name's Bella and I live in Phoenix. I know, I know. But it's a DRY heat.

I babysat my mom for 17 yrs, but she married Phil, a minor-league baseballer. He can take over. Should qualify for WIC on his $21k a year.

Moving to Forks, WA to live w/my dad. He's police chief, but his porn stache makes me wonder if he has something going on on the side

Chapter Two. I met a new guy in school today. Hawt. Paler than me! Brings new meaning to the phrase "white on rice." Hint: I'm the rice.

Gah. Edward hates me. I stink. Does angst have a scent? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I rolled in some apathy this morning.Smells like Teen Spirit.

O happy day. Eddie's back. He showed me how he sparkles. Note to self: Buy sequined bodysuit.

Bedward and I are in lurv. Squee. I'm like a drug to him. Insert inappropriate reference to mainlining HERE.

WTF? Caught Edward in my room last night. Kinda cool in a creepy stalker way, but I hope I didn't fart in my sleep.

Edward's taking me on a date. Vampire baseball. Snicker. Maybe now I can get him past first base.

Running for life. Have fallen down approximately 231 times.

Meeting James at ballet studio. Dying in place of someone I love. Cue melodramatic music.

Perils Edward has saved me from: truck, skeezy guys, & vamp bite (3). Perils I'd like to save E from: eternal virginity (1). Bella, ftw!

Edward threatened to leave me for my own good. Not sure what's more embarrasing - my ensuing seizure or my crippling codependence.

What to wear to prom? I KNOW! Leggings from 1985! & my grandma's sweater! AND CHUCK TAYLORS! Surely he'll want to rip THESE clothes off me!

Shiz. Edward won't kill me and it's killing me. Maybe if I make him jealous . . . Hey, Jacob, fetch me a bone, k?

The End. Unlike poor frustrated Bella, I'm tapped out.

Totally worth the muddled post, right?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

watching the world go round and round.

I'm stuck in a conference today. Since starting my job in healthcare/law I've been subjected to more conferences, meetings, group updates, etc than I care to count. While the content of these conferences is usually super boring (but sometimes helpful) I've decided that the opportunity to people watch more than makes up for the boredom.

Observations from today...

Two ladies sitting in front of me decided to wear matching chambray denim shirts unbuttoned, with red t-shirts underneath. Why would you plan that? (And now one of them is sucking on a grape laffy taffy)

Guy sitting four rows in front of me decided it was necessary to secure his ponytail with 6 rubberbands.I'm sure you're shocked to learn that he's balding on top.

Fake Coach purse 3 seats down.

Man with an eyepatch. I wonder if it's real or just for dress-up? Think he knows Johnny Depp?

Ladies and Gentlemen we have a 50 year old (give or take a few barfly riddened years) with long blonde hair extensions (I can see the clips)! Her outfit is great too, spandex/cotten blend trouser pants, studded belt, muffin tops and underwear hanging out (grateful it's not a thong) white (unintentional) midriff baring shirt, and a glittery tweed jacket. AWESOME. (Update...just saw pack of marlboro reds in jacket pocket...classy lady!) (did I spell marlboro right?)

Would refuse to wear my obligatory nametag except that they keep giving me the court clerk material and showing me to the court clerk conference.

How in the world am I supposed to respond to "you don't look like a judge?"

Girl to my right is actually dressed kind of cute. I like her cardigan. Just found out she grew up in Idabel. Cool.

One of the denim duo just won an avon doorprize. Score. Why am I at a place where they're giving away avon doorprizes?...and why didn't I get a ticket?

Just got stared down by a bunhead. I think she knows I'm not wearing a slip.

You're Hot Then You're Cold

Does anyone else have the hardest time EVER figuring out how to work the faucet in a shower/bathtub that isn't your own? Especially if it takes the hot water FOREVER to come on?? I swear I can stand there for 10 minutes waiting for the hot water to come on before I realize that I NEVER TURNED THE HOT WATER ON. Sometimes technology is just miserable.

NOTE: I'm in a hotel with a very confusing faucet system. So you know, it's not a COMPLETELY random thought.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm a Baller...Shot Caller...(i'm such a cracker)

March Madness Ya'll! Ok, so i filled out a bracket this year, just to see how I would do...and then I started to worry..what if I'm some sort of NCAA basketball savant and I get every game right? Who will believe me if I don't show my bracket to someone? They'll think I just filled it out as the tournament progressed! WHAT IF I'M BRILLIANT AND NO ONE BELIEVES ME? Of course, by posting this I've ruined any chances of that ever happening. If I would have just kept it to myself I could be secretly brilliant and would have to learn a lesson in humility.
But yeah...i'm posting it here...sort of, I don't have a scanner to scan it i'm just going to make a giant list...FUN!

So herrrrrre you go...

Right Side of Bracket

First Round Winners:
Ok State
North Carolina
Arizona St

2nd Round Right Side of Bracket Winners:
OK State
North Carolina
Arizona St

Regional Semi Winners:
North Carolina

Final Four:
Ok State

National Championship:
OK State!

ANNNND The Left Side

First Round Winners:
Boston College

Round Two Winners:

Regional Semi Winners

Final Four:

National Championship

Oklahoma State!!! (I'm sure you are all shocked by this pick)

Monday, March 16, 2009

Kids, I tell you what...I littered today and IT FELT GOOD! I rebelled ya'll. I took the fast food sack that was overpowering my new car smell and threw that crap out the window...(after i ate my Mighty Kids Meal of course...i don't want to be trashy AND wasteful all in one day). I'm normally not a proponent of littering, i think it's lazy and rude and disrespectful...but today, i just said to hell with it. I was lazy. I was rude. I was disrespectful. And I took joy in every second of it. I'm not sure what came over me...(probably the aforementioned grease smell from the hormone laced feux meat hamburger that was penetrating my nostrils and working its way to my seats and carpet)...I actually considered pulling over at a gas station and tossing the bag in a trash can...and then I realized that i live in The County...and I was 10 miles from the nearest gas station...and if I waited 10 miles my new car smell WOULD BE GONE FOREVER...So i did it. I DID IT. You know the process...check mirror for other cars...check to make sure you're not in front of a house...crack window barely enough for trash to make it out...check mirror again...lift bag to window...begin to toss...PULL IT BACK IN BECAUSE A CAR IS COMING!!!...wait for car to pass...check mirror to make sure car is out of sight...count to three 1..2..3..deep breath...annnnnnnd IT'S OUTTA HERE! I swear I nearly yelped at the thrill of it all as I watched that paper bag float to the ground. I cranked my radio up and rocked out to John Mellencamp and Little Pink Houses....and enjoyed the rest of my ride. It was damn near blissful.

So I apologize Mr. Crying Indian...On this day, I did not do my part to Keep America Beautiful...well...i take that back..have you seen my shoes? They're definitely beautiful...They're ostrich...and that's an American bird..and I'm an American...and I wore them IN maybe I did do my part, Sir...maybe I did.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Unce, Tice, Fee, Times a Mady

I tell you what, Kari and I are really putting 110% into this blogging thing....

Seriously, this blogging business has only served to confirm that I have no life. So here's another easy escape from Lent challenge 2009. And go Cowboys...beat MO.

Three Names I go by:
1. Jahni
2. JT
3. Miss Tapley...if you're nasty

Three jobs I have had in my life
1. Telemarketer (I was awesome, I always removed old people from my call list...and kept recalling people who were jerks)
2. Pizza slinger at Pappy's Pizza

Three Places I have lived
1. Valliant
2. Poteau
3. Stillwater

Three shows that I watch
1. The Office
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Gilmore Girls...back off haters

Three places I have been
1. Ciundad Acuna..i.e. nasty little border town near Del Rio, TX
2. On top of the world's highest hill
3. Stuck in a back bowl on Vail Mountain...thank you Andy for not killing could have buried me in the snow and left me 'til a good Spring thaw...

Three people that e-mail me regularly
1. Clint
2. Stacy
3. Kari, they're one of my best pals

Three of my favorite foods
1. Any seafood from the Gulf Coast...except crab cakes
2. Turkey Sandwhich
3. Cake

Three things I'm looking forward to
1. The Beach (soon...very very soon)
2. Jimmy Buffett in April
3. Being nose is cold.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Ride 'Em Cowboys!

Oklahoma State 71 - Oklahoma 70

I love seeing ou lose almost as much as I love seeing OSU win...and when it happens at the same's like a good crack high. Minus all the bad stuff.

Go Pokes Go Pokes Go Pokes Go!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday

Guess what day it is...hint: NOT TUESDAY. This would have been helpful for me to remember around say....5:00 pm...when I was supposed to be in court, because today is WEDNESDAY....not TUESDAY. My week is so screwed up. Jahni needs a vacation. Super bad. 

That is all. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

When You Think Tim McGraw

Dear Tim, 
I do not need therapy. I, sir, am perfectly normal. In my mind, every thought I think is perfectly rational or, at the very least, justifiable. And no, you may not point out that I am capable of justifying everything from eating a giant piece of chocolate cake on Sunday night (need to see if my medication is responding to my varying sugar levels AND I'm starting new eating plan on Monday) to spending a few hundred dollars on a great pair of shoes (cost per wear!). 

Further, dear friend, I feel the record should reflect that it is perfectly normal to prepare yourself for the ending of a dating relationship (or whatever you want to call it).  Therefore if one makes the statement "I'm so not talking to him anymore" and then proceeds to talk to the him again...and again...annnnnd again, in order to gear up for the actual not talking to the him, you shouldn't judge. It's a process. A long, drawn out, stressful, anxiety ridden, sometimes devastating, but often FUN, process. 

Also, just a small point of interest: taking me to a movie and repeatedly pointing out..."see, you're her, and he's  JUST NOT THAT INTO HER," does not help matters.  In fact, it just fuels the fiery effort to PROVE YOU WRONG.

Lastly, I don't know how else to explain to you why the turkey was mine to begin with. I saw it. I saw the beauty in it. I told you to put the tickets in the ticket box. I told everyone at the table that if anyone else won it, it was going home with me. Bottom line...I AM THE REASON YOU WON THE TURKEY...therefore it's mine. But we all know that it's a moot point now...I won. 

In spite of all of're still a good friend, and I still don't need therapy...but maybe you could slip me that number...just in case.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Whatever IT is

Things I Shouldn't be Proud of....But I Soooooo Am...

1. When I ask my niece "What do some people call you?" She answers "Space Cowboy"

2. I've read all 4 Twilight books, but managed to stay away from/only skim through that pesky Jane Eyre. (and i was an English major...and I had Mrs. Scarborough)

3. I know all the state capitols...(suck it 3rd graders!)

4. I can almost always list 48 states from memory in alphabetical order...I rarely get all 50 on the first's harder than you think! Don't judge me. And I'm not sure how that correlates with knowing all the state capitols. 

5. I taught 4 guys from my  Complex Litigation class how to spell tomorrow...TOM-OR-ROW...I saw one of them 2 years after we graduated and he introduced me to his colleagues as "the girl who taught me how to spell tomorrow" (I'm ignoring the fact that he had forgotten my name). 

6. I can recite from memory Crash Davis' infamous "what do you believe in" speech from Bull Durham

7. I can make my toes stand straight up in the air

8. My niece and nephew both have my crazy weird feet and toes

9. I can do 15 flips under water without coming up for air

10. I wore #10 from t-ball through college

the end.

Friday, March 6, 2009


Ok. I'm blogging from my blackberry, I'm so committed! I'm in okc and stillwater this weekend and DANG I miss it here!

I think I just saw a really stupid web commercial animated thing on tv.

KSH could easily be the love of my life. I'm so in love with that 6 month old plumped cheek little thing, I didn't even mind it when she pooped on me.

I got a new Jeep today! Pics to come.

Note to self: need to tease Lucas about travelling to pacific northwest to stalk Edward Cullen.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

T-shirt Lyrics

It happened this morning outside of the Court House...

Me (Walking up steps to court house, passing by half dressed guy standing on steps): Why is that guy not wearing a shirt?

Guy I work with: Because he's deaf.

Me: Ahh yes.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Devasation and Reform

(Ignoring fact that I did not post twice yesterday...we've already established that I suck)

I'm so not creative. I'm out of things to talk about. I've no doubt that this is the result of actually sitting in my office and doing my job. The most interesting thing that happened today is that I was encouraged to go to the State Capitol and lobby against tort reform. I'm sure my boss is sooooo up for me doing THAT. I can picture it now...

'Excuse me, Mr. CEO of Hospital, I know that we just lost the county-wide vote on a tax that would greatly help out our hospital (thank you McCurtain County!), and I know that the entire nation is in the middle of a major economic downturn which causes people to forgo luxuries like healthcare, and I know that we live in an impoverished area of the state where people just don't like to pay any of their bills...(especially hospital bills for those pesky trips to the ER for overdoses and heart attacks and such), so would you mind if I, your Risk Manager/Insurance Liaison/Attorney/Employee, take a (paid) day and go lobby against tort reform?" 

Yeah...I think he'd just jump all over that one. And then hit me. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


It took approximately 4 business days for me to fail at Lenting. There's no way I could be Catholic. I did however post on Sunday. Kari and I had decided that it would be ok if we didn't blog on the weekend, 'cause that's what Jesus would have done. So maybe I get a little bit of credit? Orrr maybe not. Because of my Monday suckage, I've decided to post twice today.

Point of Interest: Before I get to the business of bloggin' I feel I have to call Mrs. Adam Hawthorne out on her challenge issued to me...I posted a photo taken by a friend and contributed my own commentary... unlike Mrs. I Went to a Slipknot Concert the Night Before My Contracts Final and Then Fell Asleep During Said Final, who copied and pasted an entire horoscope and end capped it with a one word sentence....SO, Mrs. Kate's Mommy, unless you've recently became an freelance astrologer and wrote your own horoscope...suck it.

So I had a weekend that I'm sure Sarah Palin would have been proud of. Some huntin', some shoppin', some family'n....just a good ol' republican weekend. Friday night I attended the National Wildlife (maybe just Wild?) Turkey Foundation (Federation?) Banquet with a good friend of mine. Now...let me be clear here...I use the term "banquet" loosely. To me, it's not a banquet if you're dressed in camo...but apparently in The County, it's not a banquet UNLESS you're dressed in camo. Dress code aside, it was actually a GREAT time. Met a cool guy with a barbed-wire hat band (not joking about his coolness...or his hat band...Dude was awesome), watched my friends bid on and win more turkey stamped crap than you could ever imagine, and I even made it home with that fabulous Wild Turkey Decanter displayed at the top of the page (bow at it's awesomeness). I didn't actually make it home with it that was taken from me, hidden away, and displayed in a Judge's office. It took me threatening an attorney (the original turkey thief), yelling at a Judge, and well...just throwing a good sized fit to get it back into my possession. AND I was getting threatening text messages last night, urging it's return. People need to BACK OFF MY TURKEY!
All in all....a good time.
We'll talk about the rest of the weekend in post #2. I'm a little overexerted from reliving my turkey hell.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Give Me A Break

Yeah. What Kari said
We're Baptist. We're not getting points for this anyway. 

Friday, February 27, 2009

Spring Fever

Spring has practically sprung in The County. The weather is warming, the grass is greening, and the locals are bringing their boats out of winterization, getting prepped for that first day of fishing on Broken Bow Lake. And as we all know, you can't make a trip to the lake without stopping by Wal-Mart(s) to stock up on supplies...but it's always a hassle pulling a boat and trailer through a crowded parking lot..thankfully a friend of mine spotted a fellow Countian who has got this problem W-h-i-p-p-e-d!

And they say we're not forward thinkers down here in The County...special thanks to my friend and his handy cell phone camera...he's also responsible for the "Not for Hire" post..

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Little Things Give You Away

I have seen things (or perhaps I should say a thing) today that no girl should ever have to see. You would think that witnessing firsthand a case of Munchausen by proxy would be the most disturbing encounter of the day... alas, it was not. And the worst part of it...or possibly the best part  for any that I can't tell you about it. I would probably lose my job....or at least be highly criticized should my boss ever uncover my Lent challenge. So, I'll just keep it to me, you should be thanking me. 

And by the way Kari...if we can find a driver who'll keep a stick of deodorant at the ready as well as our car, cake, and champagne...our life will be complete.

Day Two of Bloggin for Lent Down!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Don't Give Up On Me Baby 40 days of bloggin'. That's the challenge that kari ( and i have taken on. Yes...leave it up to us, two non-catholics, to blog for lent. Normally you could argue that blogging isn't really giving up anything or making any sort of sacrifice, but I would counter with the fact that...Dude...I'm  from McCurtain County..there are like 5 Catholic people here...I think I'm definitely contributing...possibly just because I know that Lent and lint are two different things...and also because when I did run into one of those 5 Catholic's today I didn't stare at them and say "Hey! You got somethin' on your forehead...might wanna go warsh."

And I sooo have to admit that had Kari not twittered me (oh yeah, we're twittered up) and reminded me that I had 2.5 hours until the first day of Lent was over, then I would have completely forgotten and started tomorrow. But that's what friends are for! 

So here we go!