Monday, August 31, 2009

Stacy's Song

Annnnnnnd I'm back. It's only been what...5...6 months since I last posted? I think that's about par for the course (that's a golf term...i do golf now). Ok...I have this friend that I've known since elementary school, she's basically a lifer...(Lifer...ligh-fer: It's a noun.) You know...a friend for life type of gal. So..this friend...let's call her Stacy...because that's her name...happens to be one of the greatest sources of my entertainment...EVER...and I don't mean that in a dirty way. I'll be writing more about Stacy in the future...but let me get to where I'm going with this.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in yet another conference listening intently to the various ways in which we as Americans/lawyers/grown-ups/DHS workers/people/animal lovers/health care workers/etc/ASAP/MYOB/BYOB/did i mention animal lovers/everyone else, can make the world a better place.... when I received a tweet (just google it, it's kind of like a text message) from Stacy about Twilight. Yes. Twilight. The Twilight. The teenage sparkly Mormon vampire Twilight. I like it. Stacy likes it. We're 29 (NOT 30!) years old. We're ok with it. You be ok with it. I jokingly respond to Stacy asking if she could please transcribe the first Twilight novel via Twitter so that I could read it and not have to listen to anymore world improving stuff... (By the way...if you're not familiar with the series, you will probably find zero humor in the rest of the post, so just do me a favor and stop reading now.)

Ok...I think here is where I have to explain what Twitter is (even though you really should have googled it by now). So Twitter is kind of a combination of text messaging and social networking. Basically you can post status updates (i.e. tell people what you're doing) via your cell or computer and those updates are sent out to the cell phones or computers of whomever is following you on twitter. These updates are called "Tweets." The catch is that you can only use 140 characters at a time.

wow...this post is becoming a major beating...just hang with me...the payoff is worth it, I swear...

Ok...So I asked Stacy to transcribe Twilight via Twitter...ha ha ha...look at me, I'm being a smartass and not paying attention in my conference...AND THAT IS HOW IT STARTED...

Ladies and Gentlemen....may I present to you in 140 character increments:

"Twitter Twilight"
By Stacy...An Admitted Fangirl

Chapter One. Hi, my name's Bella and I live in Phoenix. I know, I know. But it's a DRY heat.

I babysat my mom for 17 yrs, but she married Phil, a minor-league baseballer. He can take over. Should qualify for WIC on his $21k a year.

Moving to Forks, WA to live w/my dad. He's police chief, but his porn stache makes me wonder if he has something going on on the side

Chapter Two. I met a new guy in school today. Hawt. Paler than me! Brings new meaning to the phrase "white on rice." Hint: I'm the rice.

Gah. Edward hates me. I stink. Does angst have a scent? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I rolled in some apathy this morning.Smells like Teen Spirit.

O happy day. Eddie's back. He showed me how he sparkles. Note to self: Buy sequined bodysuit.

Bedward and I are in lurv. Squee. I'm like a drug to him. Insert inappropriate reference to mainlining HERE.

WTF? Caught Edward in my room last night. Kinda cool in a creepy stalker way, but I hope I didn't fart in my sleep.

Edward's taking me on a date. Vampire baseball. Snicker. Maybe now I can get him past first base.

Running for life. Have fallen down approximately 231 times.

Meeting James at ballet studio. Dying in place of someone I love. Cue melodramatic music.

Perils Edward has saved me from: truck, skeezy guys, & vamp bite (3). Perils I'd like to save E from: eternal virginity (1). Bella, ftw!

Edward threatened to leave me for my own good. Not sure what's more embarrasing - my ensuing seizure or my crippling codependence.

What to wear to prom? I KNOW! Leggings from 1985! & my grandma's sweater! AND CHUCK TAYLORS! Surely he'll want to rip THESE clothes off me!

Shiz. Edward won't kill me and it's killing me. Maybe if I make him jealous . . . Hey, Jacob, fetch me a bone, k?

The End. Unlike poor frustrated Bella, I'm tapped out.

Totally worth the muddled post, right?